"In the end, you cannot save what does not want to be saved."
"When the pain is greater than the fear, you will know what to do."
Every time your resentments flow like tidal waves I drown in a truth that is brighter than the sun You didn’t want this life You didn’t want me
You thought by choosing me you were… ...making right on the injuries you inflicted ...picking the girl who would be steady and sure ...thumbing your nose at your conservative parents ...proving something to your sisters ...doing what was expected of you by your family and society ...doing what you expected of yourself
You might have loved me once But you don’t know how to love yourself And unless you can love yourself You cannot love anyone else And we all suffer You Me The kids In trying to manifest some imagined expectation you believe the world burdened you with You have doomed us to a hollow, lonely existence
In the darkest moments, I sometimes wish you had never come back After you walked away all those years ago I sometimes think the man I fell in love with never returned You went out for bread and just never came back Only your demons returned wearing your face
Time has not been kind to us Nor has it bred kindness in us Though I think I really tried But the steel in your eye and the edge in your voice As you lay down my assigned crimes in a quiet growl Eviscerates me over and over for The crimes of a world that doesn't adhere to your desires
It hurts to love you And I don’t know if I have it in me to continue to try I am drinking sand in the desert for lack of water And I am withering inside So just admit that I am not what you wanted I am what you thought you should have A requirement on the test of Life That allowed you to check the box of successful adulthood
"Hurt people, hurt people," I've heard it said You are a drowning man who is blindly flailing Endangering or scaring off those who might help I accept your life's injury and pain But I do not accept responsibility for it And I cannot continue to endure your wrath to heal you
"In the end, you cannot save what does not want to be saved."
"When the pain is greater than the fear, you will know what to do."
Do you see me?
I’m here!
Over here!
Please look my way.
Right now, if you will.
I need to be seen.
Am I loud enough?
Am I bouncy enough?
Am I doing enough to draw you into me?
I need to be reminded I am important to someone.
To you.
Right now.
My inner child is screaming for recognition.
Just acknowledge me and I promise I will relax.
That feels good.
Thank you.
Wait.
How about a little more?
Wait, don’t go back to what you were doing.
I still crave your attention.
I still am desperate for validation.
I still need.
I still need.
I still need…
-gws
What do you do when you're bone-weary
When your soul is exhausted and all you want to do is cry
What do you do when you reflect on where you are
And you just can't quite understand how the hell you got there
What do you do when no choice seems like a good one
When all your efforts feel like they still end in defeat
What do you do when you feel like it's time to give up
But you're sure your gut is still saying, "just a little longer"
What do you do when you don't think you have more to give
When you don't think you have it in you to keep finding a path through
What do you do when all you know is fight
But all you want is peace
What do you do when you don't know what to do
-gws
Please excuse the mess
This house is under construction
Held together by scotch tape and string
The foundation is rotten and weak
And there are bats in the attack
Making a terrible mess of things
At least the curtains are nice
-gws
Why can't I hear you?
Because you are not quiet.
Why can't I feel you?
Because you are not still.
Why can't I trust you?
Because you are surrendering to fear and not faith.
I am speaking to you in songs on the radio.
I am comforting you when you feel the breeze drying your tears.
I am supporting you even though you feel you are falling.
I am reminding you that I am with you in conversations with your friends.
My love is stronger than your doubt.
My strength is greater than your fear.
My arms surround you when you grieve.
My cheers lift you when you achieve.
I know you are facing what feels insurmountable.
I know you are grieving and frightened.
You must remember that I will not abandon you.
You must remember that I will see you through.
You are my child.
Made from stardust and moonlight.
I will believe in you when you do not believe in yourself.
I will stand strong when your knees buckle.
I will hold vigil when you walk through darkness.
I will love you through all things.
-gws
I took a walk under warm October skies. Friday night lights lit my way as the marching band at the local high school played Motown on the nearby football field. As I walked down the street, I passed a young woman in a relaxed phone conversation on her front porch. She was joyously telling the person on the other end of the phone that she had just realized that she was excited to get married, and I smiled at her to show my joy at her joy. She smiled back in acknowledgement.
But as I made my way toward home, my smile quickly faded as I realized that I never got to experience that feeling she was describing. I never got to be excited about getting married. Every time I started to get excited a shadow would eclipse my sun. Another discovery. Another confrontation. Another meltdown. Another confession. Another betrayal. Another, "I'm sorry." Another. Another. Another... Stolen joy. Disappointment. Hurt. Reassessment. Promise. Betrayal. Apology...
I envied that woman's excitement. More, I wished her great love and lasting happiness. I knew neither.
I watched red contrails crisscross the orange-glow, autumn sunset sky, and wondered if it could have been different. I wondered if it should have been different. I wondered if it should be different. I returned home to my reality, and as I stepped back into my rut-worn role in my desaturated, carbon copy world, I hoped tomorrow might be different despite knowing that would likely never be.
-gws
Sitting deep in my resentments
Realizing they stem from loss and sorrow
Of dreams eviscerated
Of hard work and sweat made irrelevant
Of a vision shattered and danced upon
As if it was the wicked witch’s grave
Years of work wiped away
Passions extinguished leaving a scarred ruin of what was wonderful
Hope of resurrection gasping away the opportunity for salvation with each passing day
-gws
One morning I needed to go buy some cereal. As I left my house, I prayed out loud saying,
"Things are tough right now, and I have much fear. I know I am supposed to trust in you, but I am feeling doubt that i am surrendering to your will, and having difficulty trusting that you will catch me when I fall despite experiencing over and over that you always take care of me. Please. I need a sign that you'll see me through this challenge."
I prayed this walking from my front door to my car. As I got into the car, I had tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat as I finished up this prayer. I closed the car door, and with a small sob, I looked up to witness the most gentle of Divine communication.
Hovering just on the other side of the driver's side window was a hummingbird who was staring right at me. My sob instantly became a laugh as I recognized my higher power appearing before me. I know my higher power was saying, "I've got you. You will be okay." As soon as my soul recognized this tiny being as a messenger from Spirit, the sweet bird flew off, and a bit of weight lifted from my heart.
The next day began with conflict and chaos. It felt particularly bad since I was already in such a fragile emotional state. However, that little life's message of, "Just hold on. You'll be ok," blossomed into reality that afternoon as I received a phone call saying that a new position was about to be created, and the manager had only one person in mind to fill it: me. Wow!
There's no guarantee that this opportunity will "fix" my problems and challenges, but I am confident that it can only help. There's a lot of space between now and if I get the position, but I am grateful to be reminded that my faith and trust in my higher power is both real and powerful medicine.
-gws
There is a place deep within me where I go when the world is too much
In that place sounds are muffled
Light is dimmed
All of the harshness that is too overwhelming is dampened down and pushed away
When I arrive in that place, I am already so weary and worn
I'm struggling to breathe
Struggling to cope
Struggling to not give in to the crushing pressure of life
No one can reach me there, not really
In that dark and quiet place I am safe to process my feelings
Safe to release the pressure valve on my emotions
Safe to feel exactly what I feel without worry of judgment or contempt
Sometimes I wish I could just stay there
But I'm a mother and a wife and an employee
The real world doesn't stop spinning
Responsibilities do not stop needing attention
Children do not stop needing guidance and love
Husbands do not take leave of their expectations for what a wife should be doing
Employers do not stop expecting you to show up and be productive
So in that shelter I do my best to let go of what I can
To surrender to the sorrows, the tears, the fears, the doubts, the broken dreams, the disappointments
I let it all flow out like water into this grotto
Hopefully to be cleansed
And by releasing these things I pray to be renewed enough to keep going
Even as my knees shake and my back aches and my voice quivers
And the tears flow
I pick myself up
Straighten my battered crown
Wipe the tear tracks from my cheeks
And reapply the mask as I chant a prayer begging for serenity
And step back into the bright, loud, ever demanding world again
-gws
Words Wishes and Wisdom 