I'm a NorCal mom working tech, raising young children, navigating marriage and divorce, life, work, and the emotions around it all. This blog grew out of my IG account where I share poetry, prose, and other posts that I hope speak to the soul. This blog primarily features my poetic musings and other writing. I hope you find something that speaks to you while you're here.
I will slow and be observant of this moment
I will breathe deep and remember that Divinity is suspended within that breath
I will release expectations and surrender to the experience of unfolding
I will still myself and listen to the music in the rustling of wind in leaves
I will raise my face and rejoice in the splashing of rain
I will find magic in my children's laughter
I will be watchful for the spontaneous manifestation of joy
I will allow space for silence so I can leave room to hear my own soul speak
I will radiate compassion for myself and others
I will love myself at lease as much as others love me
I will forgive myself when I forget my grace
I will practice replacing anger and resentment with empathy for the other
I will stop to replenish my own cup before trying to fill the cups of others
I will try shifting my perspective when I am conflicted in order to scout a path through
I will accept myself as I am for I am perfectly imperfect as a forever evolving work in progress
I will always stand back up despite life's bruises and pain even if it takes me a minute for I am resilient
I will remember that strength is also knowing when to rest and relinquish and try again tomorrow
-gws
Sitting deep in my resentments
Realizing they stem from loss and sorrow
Of dreams eviscerated
Of hard work and sweat made irrelevant
Of a vision shattered and danced upon
As if it was the wicked witch’s grave
Years of work wiped away
Passions extinguished leaving a scarred ruin of what was wonderful
Hope of resurrection gasping away the opportunity for salvation with each passing day
-gws
I am so thirsty
I am immersed in fantasies of a time when my thirst was so well quenched
My soul was refreshed and my parched needs answered
A time when my mind was challenged and stimulated
My heart valued
My fires stoked
My passions met
Every movement or comment part of the dance
Every idea appreciated and explored with genuine curiosity
A time when long and deep conversations bloomed into sighs and gasps
When I was seen as a spirit and a woman
When I was worshiped like a goddess and accepted as my authentic and whole self
I remember what it feels like to know satisfaction in my soul
To be matched in every way
A time when stimulating debate ended in lovemaking
Where flirty jokes ended in effervescent laughter
I long to be loved in that way again
To be seen
To be heard
To be appreciated
To be sparred with
I want to bask in conversations which stimulate my mind so much that my body can't help but follow
Instead I live in static and daydreams
Memories and faded photographs of a time when there was more
It is these memories that informs my thirst
If I had never known that water could be so cool and so sweet, maybe I wouldn't crave it so
Instead, I will drink my tepid water as it is better than none
And I will pray for rain
-gws
I love you. Go upon your journey with that love as company in your heart. We have grown, and our paths have diverged. We didn't see it. We didn't plan it, but it happened at some point, between breaths, when neither of us were paying attention. We no longer see the world the same way. Time and personal experiences have distanced our paths. There was a fork in our road, and without knowing it, we, each, chose a different direction. By the time we looked back to realize we were no longer side by side, we had walked too far to double back to find each other again. We could only gaze across the distance, confused, and with quietly breaking hearts, wave goodbye and continue forward with a dull ache in our breasts.
I want you to know that I gathered up my love for you, and placed it in a space of honor on my heart's alter. We may no longer be close friends, but I never stopped loving you. I will never stop loving you. Your role in my life is undeniable, and I cherish it. I wish you all the happiness and love you can ever want. I pray life is kind to you. Whether or not not you feel the same toward me, or if I have faded quietly from your mind, may my love for you be stamped deep upon your heart. I hope it fills your cup whenever you need it, as memories of you fill mine. Above all, know I love you still.
May the moss soften your steps.
May the rain quench your thirst.
May the sun shine its warmth upon you.
May your table always have plenty.
May you know as much joy as you desire.
May you receive as much love as you share.
May your life be rich in blessings and richer with joy.
-gws
Accepting powerlessness does not equate to resignation. Accepting my powerlessness over people, places, and things is working to accept the things I cannot change or control in a way which invites serenity and hope for a different way of existing.
Resignation is acceptance of what is undesirable, but inevitable. Resignation implies resentment and judgment are involved; a sense of, "I have no choice." Accepting my powerlessness is very much a choice, and an impowered one I'm compelled to make every time I recognize I'm in a situation where I cannot control the details or the outcome.
By accepting my powerlessness, I am making two choices: to care for my own sanity, and to live with hope. In accepting my powerlessness, I can release my self-inflicted codependent chains which weigh me down and add to my suffering. By freeing myself from the compulsive desire to influence the outcome of situations that are not mine to own, manage or fix, I can start to regain a sense of peace and calm.
I can only be responsible for me and my reactions. I cannot take on the responsibility of others, their behavior, or their reactions. Embracing that truth brings a great sense of freedom. Letting go and letting God, in whatever form I envision God, returns me to myself. I'm not trying to herd cats or conduct the orchestra while rewriting the score to "make it better." That's not my job. That's not my responsibility. I cannot prevent or protect others from the consequences of their own choices. I cannot be someone else's higher power, nor do I wish to be.
I strive to stay where my feet are, to check in with myself, and to do my best to only manage me. The rest I have to put into the hands of the higher power of my own imagining, and trust that Power will use my love and faith to bring into being what is in my best interest. I also trust that other people's higher powers will do the same for them.
-gws
Be where your feet are.
Take note of the air moving in and out of your lungs.
Be still enough to hear the rhythmic ticking of the clock.
These will tether you when you feel you are on unstable ground.
And love.
Share it. Receive it.
Keep your heart open so you can recognize it.
It will help hope stay afloat.
-gws
One morning I needed to go buy some cereal. As I left my house, I prayed out loud saying,
"Things are tough right now, and I have much fear. I know I am supposed to trust in you, but I am feeling doubt that i am surrendering to your will, and having difficulty trusting that you will catch me when I fall despite experiencing over and over that you always take care of me. Please. I need a sign that you'll see me through this challenge."
I prayed this walking from my front door to my car. As I got into the car, I had tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat as I finished up this prayer. I closed the car door, and with a small sob, I looked up to witness the most gentle of Divine communication.
Hovering just on the other side of the driver's side window was a hummingbird who was staring right at me. My sob instantly became a laugh as I recognized my higher power appearing before me. I know my higher power was saying, "I've got you. You will be okay." As soon as my soul recognized this tiny being as a messenger from Spirit, the sweet bird flew off, and a bit of weight lifted from my heart.
The next day began with conflict and chaos. It felt particularly bad since I was already in such a fragile emotional state. However, that little life's message of, "Just hold on. You'll be ok," blossomed into reality that afternoon as I received a phone call saying that a new position was about to be created, and the manager had only one person in mind to fill it: me. Wow!
There's no guarantee that this opportunity will "fix" my problems and challenges, but I am confident that it can only help. There's a lot of space between now and if I get the position, but I am grateful to be reminded that my faith and trust in my higher power is both real and powerful medicine.
-gws
There is a place deep within me where I go when the world is too much
In that place sounds are muffled
Light is dimmed
All of the harshness that is too overwhelming is dampened down and pushed away
When I arrive in that place, I am already so weary and worn
I'm struggling to breathe
Struggling to cope
Struggling to not give in to the crushing pressure of life
No one can reach me there, not really
In that dark and quiet place I am safe to process my feelings
Safe to release the pressure valve on my emotions
Safe to feel exactly what I feel without worry of judgment or contempt
Sometimes I wish I could just stay there
But I'm a mother and a wife and an employee
The real world doesn't stop spinning
Responsibilities do not stop needing attention
Children do not stop needing guidance and love
Husbands do not take leave of their expectations for what a wife should be doing
Employers do not stop expecting you to show up and be productive
So in that shelter I do my best to let go of what I can
To surrender to the sorrows, the tears, the fears, the doubts, the broken dreams, the disappointments
I let it all flow out like water into this grotto
Hopefully to be cleansed
And by releasing these things I pray to be renewed enough to keep going
Even as my knees shake and my back aches and my voice quivers
And the tears flow
I pick myself up
Straighten my battered crown
Wipe the tear tracks from my cheeks
And reapply the mask as I chant a prayer begging for serenity
And step back into the bright, loud, ever demanding world again
-gws
The world is scary and uncertain
The unknown is casting a long, dark shadow on life as we understood it
It feels like I'm tumbling in rough surf and I can barely catch my breath
When things feel big, I need to make them smaller
I can do this through gratitude
I can reframe my circumstances from a place of grace over fear
In a moment where loss and fear govern, I look to the blessings I see all around
Like seedlings taking root in the dark, forgotten places
Cancer proved to be a blessing
It may have introduced it's own book of fears, but it also prevented someone I love from traveling at a time when many people were falling ill, and we had no recourses yet
I feel this truth in my gut
The Pandemic helped me access assistance that was previously off limits to me
It has changed the way I work, making it easier to be available to my family while continuing to be employed and safe
It has reminded me to say, "I love you," more
To hug my children more
To try to forgive and relinquish grievances
To live as my authentic self
To speak my truth
To honor my own boundaries
To take stock of what is good
To "live life on life's terms" and know that my higher power will have my back
To be gentle with myself when I don't live up to my own standards
To appreciate my health
To sit heavily in the present moment and appreciate all that is good instead of being busy for busy's sake
To be able to shift energy from a grinding list of To-dos to what I am able to do in this moment, place, or circumstance
It is so easy to fall into a deep despair
There are so many reasons to feel hopeless
But there are many more reasons to have hope and even to rejoice
The world, life, the Universe has shaken us all up
I choose to take it as a clarion call
I will water the seedlings of positivity and remove the weeds of fear growing in my inner garden
Through this effort, I will keep my feet and continue moving through life with gratitude and deep love
-gws
Words Wishes and Wisdom 