I took a walk under warm October skies. Friday night lights lit my way as the marching band at the local high school played Motown on the nearby football field. As I walked down the street, I passed a young woman in a relaxed phone conversation on her front porch. She was joyously telling the person on the other end of the phone that she had just realized that she was excited to get married, and I smiled at her to show my joy at her joy. She smiled back in acknowledgement.
But as I made my way toward home, my smile quickly faded as I realized that I never got to experience that feeling she was describing. I never got to be excited about getting married. Every time I started to get excited a shadow would eclipse my sun. Another discovery. Another confrontation. Another meltdown. Another confession. Another betrayal. Another, "I'm sorry." Another. Another. Another... Stolen joy. Disappointment. Hurt. Reassessment. Promise. Betrayal. Apology...
I envied that woman's excitement. More, I wished her great love and lasting happiness. I knew neither.
I watched red contrails crisscross the orange-glow, autumn sunset sky, and wondered if it could have been different. I wondered if it should have been different. I wondered if it should be different. I returned home to my reality, and as I stepped back into my rut-worn role in my desaturated, carbon copy world, I hoped tomorrow might be different despite knowing that would likely never be.
-gws
Sitting deep in my resentments
Realizing they stem from loss and sorrow
Of dreams eviscerated
Of hard work and sweat made irrelevant
Of a vision shattered and danced upon
As if it was the wicked witch’s grave
Years of work wiped away
Passions extinguished leaving a scarred ruin of what was wonderful
Hope of resurrection gasping away the opportunity for salvation with each passing day
-gws
One morning I needed to go buy some cereal. As I left my house, I prayed out loud saying,
"Things are tough right now, and I have much fear. I know I am supposed to trust in you, but I am feeling doubt that i am surrendering to your will, and having difficulty trusting that you will catch me when I fall despite experiencing over and over that you always take care of me. Please. I need a sign that you'll see me through this challenge."
I prayed this walking from my front door to my car. As I got into the car, I had tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat as I finished up this prayer. I closed the car door, and with a small sob, I looked up to witness the most gentle of Divine communication.
Hovering just on the other side of the driver's side window was a hummingbird who was staring right at me. My sob instantly became a laugh as I recognized my higher power appearing before me. I know my higher power was saying, "I've got you. You will be okay." As soon as my soul recognized this tiny being as a messenger from Spirit, the sweet bird flew off, and a bit of weight lifted from my heart.
The next day began with conflict and chaos. It felt particularly bad since I was already in such a fragile emotional state. However, that little life's message of, "Just hold on. You'll be ok," blossomed into reality that afternoon as I received a phone call saying that a new position was about to be created, and the manager had only one person in mind to fill it: me. Wow!
There's no guarantee that this opportunity will "fix" my problems and challenges, but I am confident that it can only help. There's a lot of space between now and if I get the position, but I am grateful to be reminded that my faith and trust in my higher power is both real and powerful medicine.
-gws
The world is scary and uncertain
The unknown is casting a long, dark shadow on life as we understood it
It feels like I'm tumbling in rough surf and I can barely catch my breath
When things feel big, I need to make them smaller
I can do this through gratitude
I can reframe my circumstances from a place of grace over fear
In a moment where loss and fear govern, I look to the blessings I see all around
Like seedlings taking root in the dark, forgotten places
Cancer proved to be a blessing
It may have introduced it's own book of fears, but it also prevented someone I love from traveling at a time when many people were falling ill, and we had no recourses yet
I feel this truth in my gut
The Pandemic helped me access assistance that was previously off limits to me
It has changed the way I work, making it easier to be available to my family while continuing to be employed and safe
It has reminded me to say, "I love you," more
To hug my children more
To try to forgive and relinquish grievances
To live as my authentic self
To speak my truth
To honor my own boundaries
To take stock of what is good
To "live life on life's terms" and know that my higher power will have my back
To be gentle with myself when I don't live up to my own standards
To appreciate my health
To sit heavily in the present moment and appreciate all that is good instead of being busy for busy's sake
To be able to shift energy from a grinding list of To-dos to what I am able to do in this moment, place, or circumstance
It is so easy to fall into a deep despair
There are so many reasons to feel hopeless
But there are many more reasons to have hope and even to rejoice
The world, life, the Universe has shaken us all up
I choose to take it as a clarion call
I will water the seedlings of positivity and remove the weeds of fear growing in my inner garden
Through this effort, I will keep my feet and continue moving through life with gratitude and deep love
-gws
Knocked off my feet
Tumbled and tossed
Disoriented
Lost
Struggling
Fighting
Failing
Unable to know up from down
Gasping and desperate
Threatened
Panicked
Scared
*relax*
*float*
*you can ALWAYS float*
I still myself
Relax
Trust
Know
And begin to ascend
Freed from the struggle that was threatening me
And distracting me from remembering my power
Surrendering to acceptance isn't giving up or in
It's accepting that it's okay to let go of the fight
If it allows you to care for yourself
It's having faith that divinity will help you with
Rest of the heavy lifting
Be present
Be peaceful
Be silent
Be gentle
Be...
Just Be
And the rest will work itself out
-gws
An “I-statement” focuses on your own feelings and experiences. It does not focus on your perspective of what the other person has done or failed to do.
Office of the Boston University Ombuds
I am human
a woman
a daughter
a wife
a mother
a lover
a caregiver
a nurturer
a provider
I am exhausted
hurt
angry
uncomfortable
scared
doing my best
I have a right to say no
to dislike something
to ask for what I want or need
to not be diminished or dismissed
to not be belittled
to rest when I need to
to prioritize myself
to have and respectfully express my own feelings out loud
to no be held accountable for offenses committed by others
I am not harming others when I am being my authentic self
not diminishing others when I speak my truth
not taking from others when I give to myself
not dishonoring others when I honor myself
I am an ally not an enemy
a partner not a villain
a friend not a foe
a person not an emotional punching bag
I do not want to be a vessel for holding pain that is not my own
Words Wishes and Wisdom 