One morning I needed to go buy some cereal. As I left my house, I prayed out loud saying,
"Things are tough right now, and I have much fear. I know I am supposed to trust in you, but I am feeling doubt that i am surrendering to your will, and having difficulty trusting that you will catch me when I fall despite experiencing over and over that you always take care of me. Please. I need a sign that you'll see me through this challenge."
I prayed this walking from my front door to my car. As I got into the car, I had tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat as I finished up this prayer. I closed the car door, and with a small sob, I looked up to witness the most gentle of Divine communication.
Hovering just on the other side of the driver's side window was a hummingbird who was staring right at me. My sob instantly became a laugh as I recognized my higher power appearing before me. I know my higher power was saying, "I've got you. You will be okay." As soon as my soul recognized this tiny being as a messenger from Spirit, the sweet bird flew off, and a bit of weight lifted from my heart.
The next day began with conflict and chaos. It felt particularly bad since I was already in such a fragile emotional state. However, that little life's message of, "Just hold on. You'll be ok," blossomed into reality that afternoon as I received a phone call saying that a new position was about to be created, and the manager had only one person in mind to fill it: me. Wow!
There's no guarantee that this opportunity will "fix" my problems and challenges, but I am confident that it can only help. There's a lot of space between now and if I get the position, but I am grateful to be reminded that my faith and trust in my higher power is both real and powerful medicine.
-gws
There is a place deep within me where I go when the world is too much
In that place sounds are muffled
Light is dimmed
All of the harshness that is too overwhelming is dampened down and pushed away
When I arrive in that place, I am already so weary and worn
I'm struggling to breathe
Struggling to cope
Struggling to not give in to the crushing pressure of life
No one can reach me there, not really
In that dark and quiet place I am safe to process my feelings
Safe to release the pressure valve on my emotions
Safe to feel exactly what I feel without worry of judgment or contempt
Sometimes I wish I could just stay there
But I'm a mother and a wife and an employee
The real world doesn't stop spinning
Responsibilities do not stop needing attention
Children do not stop needing guidance and love
Husbands do not take leave of their expectations for what a wife should be doing
Employers do not stop expecting you to show up and be productive
So in that shelter I do my best to let go of what I can
To surrender to the sorrows, the tears, the fears, the doubts, the broken dreams, the disappointments
I let it all flow out like water into this grotto
Hopefully to be cleansed
And by releasing these things I pray to be renewed enough to keep going
Even as my knees shake and my back aches and my voice quivers
And the tears flow
I pick myself up
Straighten my battered crown
Wipe the tear tracks from my cheeks
And reapply the mask as I chant a prayer begging for serenity
And step back into the bright, loud, ever demanding world again
-gws
The world is scary and uncertain
The unknown is casting a long, dark shadow on life as we understood it
It feels like I'm tumbling in rough surf and I can barely catch my breath
When things feel big, I need to make them smaller
I can do this through gratitude
I can reframe my circumstances from a place of grace over fear
In a moment where loss and fear govern, I look to the blessings I see all around
Like seedlings taking root in the dark, forgotten places
Cancer proved to be a blessing
It may have introduced it's own book of fears, but it also prevented someone I love from traveling at a time when many people were falling ill, and we had no recourses yet
I feel this truth in my gut
The Pandemic helped me access assistance that was previously off limits to me
It has changed the way I work, making it easier to be available to my family while continuing to be employed and safe
It has reminded me to say, "I love you," more
To hug my children more
To try to forgive and relinquish grievances
To live as my authentic self
To speak my truth
To honor my own boundaries
To take stock of what is good
To "live life on life's terms" and know that my higher power will have my back
To be gentle with myself when I don't live up to my own standards
To appreciate my health
To sit heavily in the present moment and appreciate all that is good instead of being busy for busy's sake
To be able to shift energy from a grinding list of To-dos to what I am able to do in this moment, place, or circumstance
It is so easy to fall into a deep despair
There are so many reasons to feel hopeless
But there are many more reasons to have hope and even to rejoice
The world, life, the Universe has shaken us all up
I choose to take it as a clarion call
I will water the seedlings of positivity and remove the weeds of fear growing in my inner garden
Through this effort, I will keep my feet and continue moving through life with gratitude and deep love
-gws
Go deep. Find the still waters and listen to the rhythm of breath and heartbeat. Sit in the uncomfortable silence with yourself. Repeat until the discomfort is gone.
-gws
As an affirmation:
I will go deep. I will find the still waters and listen to the rhythm of my breath and my heartbeat. I will sit in the uncomfortable silence with myself. I will repeat until the discomfort is gone.
-gws
Words Wishes and Wisdom 