I fucking hate homework And projects And assemblies And parent-teacher conferences It’s a gauntlet of pushing and pulling Begging and beguiling Praying and pleading I have to pretend I know what I’m doing Convince teachers I’m a capable parent When I feel like the absolute worst I’ve used all the gas in my emotional tank Before my children walk back in the door “What’s for dinner, Mom?” “I ripped my pants, Mom.” “I have a field trip, Mom.” “I have a project due on Monday, Mom.” There are more moments than I am proud of Where I mourn my party of one days Then one of my sons says “I love you, Mama.” Points to my chest and asks “Are you ok in there, Mama?” Takes my phone and tucks me in and says “You’re sick, Mama. You need to rest.” I start feeling like less of a fuck up Like I might be getting something right Like we all might just be alright
I am the fourth daughter to do it alone Independence and survival are in my DNA Only child to a single mother Only granddaughter amongst the cousins Only kid on my block I have lived in comfortable aloneness most of my life Do not believe I do not get lonely I know how to remedy loneliness Trusted family Tribe Are always a keystroke or "hello" away
I'd prefer to have a partner To help me raise and support my children But not at the cost of my independence My independence is foundational in my peace If I cannot retain my independent spirit I cannot sustain my sense of self I need a partner who walks alongside me Who understands that I need to run in my wildness Who does not try to domesticate me Into something less than myself
Aloneness is not absence or lack It is the space where I meet myself It is the door to my Narnia The place where unfettered dreams thrive Where words waltz in ballgowns and tails Where stories bloom from rich soil Where I sit in conversation with discomfort Where I sit in conversation with my gods It is the garden of my delights And it is as precious to me as air
How do I manage alone you ask I understand that I'm never really alone I'm as alone as I choose to be I'm helped as much as I choose to ask for it It is not as perfect or simple as these stanzas may imply But the essence of my truth is here Simplified Distilled into a comprehensible version Of my vast and complex reality A demonstration of shifting perspective Being alone carries so much oppressive connotation I choose to experience it as a necessary liberation Allowing me to navigate life by my own north star Inspiring me to never lose sight of myself again
Here is you bear All worn from love Or perhaps adorned with it Your partner in your slumbering adventures Defender against all that scares you It is your beacon in the darkest night It's felted heart doused in the Nostalgia of your mother's perfume Tangible reminder of lingering embraces That will greet you again in the light of morning Goodnight my little bears Hold each other tight
This is hard shit. That sometimes grabbing that fact by the throat and screaming in its face is necessary from time to time. Sometimes sitting in the shadow of that truth is required when our spirits are tired and our hearts so broken. And when we're done, we rest. We breathe. And we rise and fight some more. Because we're mothers.
My darlings You became little men The day we ran from the boogeyman You met the task as an adventure Not yet aware that the world you knew Crumbled while you slept I will bring you as much magic as you can hold To keep your hearts moored in innocence I cannot stitch your world whole again I promise to weave you a new tapestry Rich in dreams Love Possibility My little men You have learned too early How unkind the world can be But we will meet it Softly Gently Together
I may appear whole What you cannot see Are the burns on my feet From walking miles through fire The stars in my eyes From taking too many hits The lacerations on my skin From navigating uncountable shards of glass The weariness deep in my bones From rising everyday to overcome Some challenge or trial Again And again I have dodged and weaved Punched and parried my way Through days I never could have predicted I have shown up when all I desired Was to lay down and give up Because if not me, then who Mothers have to dig deep We have to find that reservoir of power labeled Do it for the children So I push So I push So I push Through the deepest, coldest waters The fiercest, raging fires The longest, darkest nights because If not me, then who For them
Because my mama loves me no matter how far away we are, or how frequently we talk
Because my mama loves me no matter how old I get, or how many babies I’ve had
Because my mama loves me no matter how capable or incapable I perceive myself to be
Because my mama loves me no matter how broke I am or successful I become
Because my mama loves me no matter how little or how much I love myself
Because my mama loves me..."more, most, to the moon and back, and to infinity and beyond"
Because my mama will always love her baby girl like the day she learned she carried my spark, and will beyond when our sparks rejoin the stars
Because I love my mama I will treat every check in like a hug
Because I love my mama I will treat every worry like a kiss
Because I love my mama I will treat every conversation as a gift
Because I love my mama I will treat every gift as a treasure
Because I love my mama I will not take any second of her love for me for granted
Because I will always love my mama I will love her like the day my spark took root inside of her, and will beyond when our sparks rejoin the stars
-gws
Wake them
Dress them
Feed them
Then it's off to school
Pick them up
And bring them home
Provide a snack or two
Help them with their homework
Hold them when they're sad
Help them learn to regulate
Themselves when they are mad
Attempt to feed them dinner
Then it's time for bed
Pick out a book or two
From favorites we have read
Bandage up their owies
Make sure they brushed their teeth
Check beneath their beds to prove
There's nothing underneath
One last kiss for comfort
And then to tuck them in
Then off to sleep for mommy
To begin it all again
-gws
Words Wishes and Wisdom 