“Not it!” I say
Not I
Not me
Not this time or any will it be
I cannot take your heart from you
I know not what to do with it
I will not take your heart from you
Please do not make a gift of it
I cannot be the one you seek
There is no love in me to reap
So I will go and let you keep
The heart you meant for me
-gws
He was a brown-eyed boy
Freckles on his cheeks
He shared his gummy Coke bottles
And always picked me to play at recess
He was a little misunderstood
But not by me
I saw him as kindred
He helped transform the gray playground
Into space ships and fantastical landscapes
It didn't matter I was an icky girl
Or that he was a yucky boy
He was comfortable with me
And I with him
My heart broke when he moved away
I never meant to lose contact but we did
We found each other for a minute
Just after high school
He sent me a letter and a picture
A man's version of the freckled face I once knew
Adorned in dress blues
I think I responded too enthusiastically
I never got another letter
And my heart broke a second time
I hope that wherever he is
He is happy
A brown-eyed boy
With freckles on his cheeks
Sharing gummy Coke bottles
With someone he loves
-gws
You will never love me the way I love you And that's ok Because loving you makes me brighter Loving you gives my words weight And my dreams color It's longing for you that I will avoid doing It's hoping that one day you will love me back That I cannot let my heart abide It's not that you do not care You care deeply Devotedly But it is not the same as love reciprocated And I cannot conflate the two Or I will drown in heartbreak of my own creation Instead I sit in the the patch of warm sunlight that is your affection Feeling content in being seen Being heard Being cared for In ways few others do I attach cellophane love notes to the walls of my beautiful prison Declaring "I love you!" in invisible ink that you will never see You will never love me the way I love you But you love me nonetheless in your own way And I will let that be enough - gws
These Hollywood nights are long
The city filled with thousands of souls
All of us together yet alone
The green and white neon outside my window burns intrusively bright
Adding to my restlessness in an unforgiving summer heat
I imagine this is what Hell feels like
All sweat, restlessness, longing, and need
The fan whirls and clicks in the corner of the room
Impotent in its efforts to bring relief
I stare at soot-stained walls remembering
You are mine and I am yours
Though we are neither
You haunt my dreams
The smell of you
The taste of you
The dancing electricity of your skin against mine
The spark of us igniting together
I submerge into the memory of us
Distracting myself from the oppression of a city that welcomes no one
I see your silhouette leaning over me when I close my eyes
I feel the softness of your lips and the heat of your breath
I shiver as goosebumps rise on my too hot skin
I can almost feel your hands on my body
And the ghost of your lust-heavy voice whispering in my ear
I let out an inaudible gasp as rivulets of sweat run races along my throat
Reminding me of your fingertips
Sirens suddenly erupt from the street
The walls now the stage for the dance of red and blue strobes
Reality returns with its harsh shadows and sharp light
Razor-edged voices rise up from the sidewalk
Flavoring the oppressive night with desperation and power struggles
I take a drag off my joint in an attempt to increase the space between me and the world
I hold the smoke in my lungs for as long as I can
Praying that when I release it that I can float away from this existence with it
Back to the place where you held me close in a cool, comforting illusion of love
-gws
Driving down the roads of my past
I see your ghost everywhere
The halls where I met you
The neighborhood where you lived where we first kissed
The theater where we saw that awful movie on our first date
Years have passed
The place we both once called home is nearly unrecognizable now
So much has changed but the memories of you and me are still
Alive in the footprints of buildings and businesses long gone
Bringing a bittersweet smile to my face as I see muted-color memories
Of what we were and what we never became
We live different lives in different worlds
Practically strangers though still linked inextricably and inexplicably
By threads of fate we never were able to understand
But could only accept without question or comment
Permanent tattoos upon each other's hearts
Placed there by a power who knew that we needed each other once
And who seems to know that we need the memories of that connection as they were yesterday
I hope you see my ghost, too
She's waiting with a hug that has only ever been for you
And may our ghosts continue to share what we no longer do
In a time and place that no longer is
Except in faded photographs and our souls
-gws
Words Wishes and Wisdom 