I am tired of holding up the moon. When it turns its back on me, I suffer under its gravity. -gws
Holding Up the Moon
Tag: Relationships
October Eclipse
I took a walk under warm October skies. Friday night lights lit my way as the marching band at the local high school played Motown on the nearby football field. As I walked down the street, I passed a young woman in a relaxed phone conversation on her front porch. She was joyously telling the person on the other end of the phone that she had just realized that she was excited to get married, and I smiled at her to show my joy at her joy. She smiled back in acknowledgement. But as I made my way toward home, my smile quickly faded as I realized that I never got to experience that feeling she was describing. I never got to be excited about getting married. Every time I started to get excited a shadow would eclipse my sun. Another discovery. Another confrontation. Another meltdown. Another confession. Another betrayal. Another, "I'm sorry." Another. Another. Another... Stolen joy. Disappointment. Hurt. Reassessment. Promise. Betrayal. Apology... I envied that woman's excitement. More, I wished her great love and lasting happiness. I knew neither. I watched red contrails crisscross the orange-glow, autumn sunset sky, and wondered if it could have been different. I wondered if it should have been different. I wondered if it should be different. I returned home to my reality, and as I stepped back into my rut-worn role in my desaturated, carbon copy world, I hoped tomorrow might be different despite knowing that would likely never be. -gws
Thirsty
I am so thirsty I am immersed in fantasies of a time when my thirst was so well quenched My soul was refreshed and my parched needs answered A time when my mind was challenged and stimulated My heart valued My fires stoked My passions met Every movement or comment part of the dance Every idea appreciated and explored with genuine curiosity A time when long and deep conversations bloomed into sighs and gasps When I was seen as a spirit and a woman When I was worshiped like a goddess and accepted as my authentic and whole self I remember what it feels like to know satisfaction in my soul To be matched in every way A time when stimulating debate ended in lovemaking Where flirty jokes ended in effervescent laughter I long to be loved in that way again To be seen To be heard To be appreciated To be sparred with I want to bask in conversations which stimulate my mind so much that my body can't help but follow Instead I live in static and daydreams Memories and faded photographs of a time when there was more It is these memories that informs my thirst If I had never known that water could be so cool and so sweet, maybe I wouldn't crave it so Instead, I will drink my tepid water as it is better than none And I will pray for rain -gws
Go With Love
I love you. Go upon your journey with that love as company in your heart. We have grown, and our paths have diverged. We didn't see it. We didn't plan it, but it happened at some point, between breaths, when neither of us were paying attention. We no longer see the world the same way. Time and personal experiences have distanced our paths. There was a fork in our road, and without knowing it, we, each, chose a different direction. By the time we looked back to realize we were no longer side by side, we had walked too far to double back to find each other again. We could only gaze across the distance, confused, and with quietly breaking hearts, wave goodbye and continue forward with a dull ache in our breasts. I want you to know that I gathered up my love for you, and placed it in a space of honor on my heart's alter. We may no longer be close friends, but I never stopped loving you. I will never stop loving you. Your role in my life is undeniable, and I cherish it. I wish you all the happiness and love you can ever want. I pray life is kind to you. Whether or not not you feel the same toward me, or if I have faded quietly from your mind, may my love for you be stamped deep upon your heart. I hope it fills your cup whenever you need it, as memories of you fill mine. Above all, know I love you still. May the moss soften your steps. May the rain quench your thirst. May the sun shine its warmth upon you. May your table always have plenty. May you know as much joy as you desire. May you receive as much love as you share. May your life be rich in blessings and richer with joy. -gws
Haunted
Some loves haunt your soul your whole life long. -gws
Rage
Rage is dark rust red like clotted blood
Balled fists and hot tears
White hot like molten iron
Sharp and vicious as a cooled blade
Shrill keening and worn out sobs
Forged into quiet, constantly simmering fury
Long, silent, anguished screams into pillows
And inside lonely vehicles at 60 miles per hour
With the music turned up loud to drown out the ragged
Sound shaking free of its mooring
Now a million dancing embers
Just waiting for the right bluster to ignite again
-gws
Space Between
Do I exist in the space between your thoughts
Am I squeezed in as an annotation to your chaos
Do I fit in the emptiness between your heartbeats
Or the space between your breaths
Am I shoved into the shadowed alcoves of your mind
All I know is it’s dark and apocalyptic here
Where ever here is
-gws
I Statements
An “I-statement” focuses on your own feelings and experiences. It does not focus on your perspective of what the other person has done or failed to do.
Office of the Boston University Ombuds
I am human
- a woman
- a daughter
- a wife
- a mother
- a lover
- a caregiver
- a nurturer
- a provider
I am exhausted
- hurt
- angry
- uncomfortable
- scared
- doing my best
I have a right to say no
- to dislike something
- to ask for what I want or need
- to not be diminished or dismissed
- to not be belittled
- to rest when I need to
- to prioritize myself
- to have and respectfully express my own feelings out loud
- to no be held accountable for offenses committed by others
I am not harming others when I am being my authentic self
- not diminishing others when I speak my truth
- not taking from others when I give to myself
- not dishonoring others when I honor myself
I am an ally not an enemy
- a partner not a villain
- a friend not a foe
- a person not an emotional punching bag
I do not want to be a vessel for holding pain that is not my own
- a stand-in or effigy
- punished for past wrongs
- held responsible for things I didn’t actually do
I need to be treated respectfully
- spoken to respectfully
- listened to respectfully
- touched respectfully
- seen as I am, and not as I’m imagined to be
-gws
Arguing with One’s Self
Self: Why are you doing this?
Me: What do you mean? Doing what?
Self: Really? You are not THAT oblivious.
Me: Stop being bitchy, and just say what you mean.
Self: Why are you putting up with this bull shit? Why are you allowing someone else to place their misery on you?
Me: I don’t know.
Self: How can you possibly not know?
Me: Look. This was not what I thought I was signing up for. This was not how I expected to be living. THIS is not what I wanted.
Self: Yeah. So what are you going to do about it?
Me: I don’t know.
Self: Well you better figure it the fuck out, because I’m sick of the shit you put up with.
Me: So am I
Words Wishes and Wisdom 