I took a walk under warm October skies. Friday night lights lit my way as the marching band at the local high school played Motown on the nearby football field. As I walked down the street, I passed a young woman in a relaxed phone conversation on her front porch. She was joyously telling the person on the other end of the phone that she had just realized that she was excited to get married, and I smiled at her to show my joy at her joy. She smiled back in acknowledgement.
But as I made my way toward home, my smile quickly faded as I realized that I never got to experience that feeling she was describing. I never got to be excited about getting married. Every time I started to get excited a shadow would eclipse my sun. Another discovery. Another confrontation. Another meltdown. Another confession. Another betrayal. Another, "I'm sorry." Another. Another. Another... Stolen joy. Disappointment. Hurt. Reassessment. Promise. Betrayal. Apology...
I envied that woman's excitement. More, I wished her great love and lasting happiness. I knew neither.
I watched red contrails crisscross the orange-glow, autumn sunset sky, and wondered if it could have been different. I wondered if it should have been different. I wondered if it should be different. I returned home to my reality, and as I stepped back into my rut-worn role in my desaturated, carbon copy world, I hoped tomorrow might be different despite knowing that would likely never be.
-gws
Once so tangible and full of detail
Now blurred to softness like watercolor ghosts
What used to feel like yesterday now reminds that yesterday was a long time ago
Like chalk in rain, only hints of detail remain
Specifics are now impressions wrapped in a soft quilt of nostalgia
I grasp hopelessly at the intangible like trying to hold onto a dream upon waking
I wish I could return to the presence of those times
To stand within myself and see again from my own eyes
Feel again with my own senses
Retouch the blurring lines like an old tattoo
And return the vivid, Technicolor, stereophonic quality of those most precious moments
In Kodachrome vibrancy on the mental reel to reel that are my memories
Before time leeched them of their saturation
Like a well-loved security blanket with its rough edges and snagged seams
I handle these memories with adoration as I explore what remains of something so
precious
And sit in gratitude for still having them at all
-gws
Gentle Mother, Goddess of Light
Who is my provider and peacemaker
My guardian and counselor
Who is my teacher and my grace
I lay my weary head down upon your thigh
And relax into your comforting embrace
As a child with her mother
I release my fears and worries over to your care
And float, unburdened, in the warmth of your love
I bare to you my imperfections and am reminded that I am exactly as I am meant to be
I ask you to guide me to always do the next right thing
I ask you to remind me to be as forgiving of myself as you are of me
My love and trust in you are perfect
As your love and guidance for me is perfect
Help me to be where my feet are
Help me to manifest strength when I need
Help me to think and act with compassion for others and myself
Help me to forgive more willingly
Help me to know and live my truth regardless of others' understanding of it
Help me to set aside my defenses and listen with empathy
Help me to find a little more patience when I fall short
Help me to know when to stand and when to withdraw
May I be humbled and inspired by you
And may I manifest your motherly love in all directions I travel in this life
-gws
I will slow and be observant of this moment
I will breathe deep and remember that Divinity is suspended within that breath
I will release expectations and surrender to the experience of unfolding
I will still myself and listen to the music in the rustling of wind in leaves
I will raise my face and rejoice in the splashing of rain
I will find magic in my children's laughter
I will be watchful for the spontaneous manifestation of joy
I will allow space for silence so I can leave room to hear my own soul speak
I will radiate compassion for myself and others
I will love myself at lease as much as others love me
I will forgive myself when I forget my grace
I will practice replacing anger and resentment with empathy for the other
I will stop to replenish my own cup before trying to fill the cups of others
I will try shifting my perspective when I am conflicted in order to scout a path through
I will accept myself as I am for I am perfectly imperfect as a forever evolving work in progress
I will always stand back up despite life's bruises and pain even if it takes me a minute for I am resilient
I will remember that strength is also knowing when to rest and relinquish and try again tomorrow
-gws
Sitting deep in my resentments
Realizing they stem from loss and sorrow
Of dreams eviscerated
Of hard work and sweat made irrelevant
Of a vision shattered and danced upon
As if it was the wicked witch’s grave
Years of work wiped away
Passions extinguished leaving a scarred ruin of what was wonderful
Hope of resurrection gasping away the opportunity for salvation with each passing day
-gws
I am so thirsty
I am immersed in fantasies of a time when my thirst was so well quenched
My soul was refreshed and my parched needs answered
A time when my mind was challenged and stimulated
My heart valued
My fires stoked
My passions met
Every movement or comment part of the dance
Every idea appreciated and explored with genuine curiosity
A time when long and deep conversations bloomed into sighs and gasps
When I was seen as a spirit and a woman
When I was worshiped like a goddess and accepted as my authentic and whole self
I remember what it feels like to know satisfaction in my soul
To be matched in every way
A time when stimulating debate ended in lovemaking
Where flirty jokes ended in effervescent laughter
I long to be loved in that way again
To be seen
To be heard
To be appreciated
To be sparred with
I want to bask in conversations which stimulate my mind so much that my body can't help but follow
Instead I live in static and daydreams
Memories and faded photographs of a time when there was more
It is these memories that informs my thirst
If I had never known that water could be so cool and so sweet, maybe I wouldn't crave it so
Instead, I will drink my tepid water as it is better than none
And I will pray for rain
-gws
I love you. Go upon your journey with that love as company in your heart. We have grown, and our paths have diverged. We didn't see it. We didn't plan it, but it happened at some point, between breaths, when neither of us were paying attention. We no longer see the world the same way. Time and personal experiences have distanced our paths. There was a fork in our road, and without knowing it, we, each, chose a different direction. By the time we looked back to realize we were no longer side by side, we had walked too far to double back to find each other again. We could only gaze across the distance, confused, and with quietly breaking hearts, wave goodbye and continue forward with a dull ache in our breasts.
I want you to know that I gathered up my love for you, and placed it in a space of honor on my heart's alter. We may no longer be close friends, but I never stopped loving you. I will never stop loving you. Your role in my life is undeniable, and I cherish it. I wish you all the happiness and love you can ever want. I pray life is kind to you. Whether or not not you feel the same toward me, or if I have faded quietly from your mind, may my love for you be stamped deep upon your heart. I hope it fills your cup whenever you need it, as memories of you fill mine. Above all, know I love you still.
May the moss soften your steps.
May the rain quench your thirst.
May the sun shine its warmth upon you.
May your table always have plenty.
May you know as much joy as you desire.
May you receive as much love as you share.
May your life be rich in blessings and richer with joy.
-gws
Accepting powerlessness does not equate to resignation. Accepting my powerlessness over people, places, and things is working to accept the things I cannot change or control in a way which invites serenity and hope for a different way of existing.
Resignation is acceptance of what is undesirable, but inevitable. Resignation implies resentment and judgment are involved; a sense of, "I have no choice." Accepting my powerlessness is very much a choice, and an impowered one I'm compelled to make every time I recognize I'm in a situation where I cannot control the details or the outcome.
By accepting my powerlessness, I am making two choices: to care for my own sanity, and to live with hope. In accepting my powerlessness, I can release my self-inflicted codependent chains which weigh me down and add to my suffering. By freeing myself from the compulsive desire to influence the outcome of situations that are not mine to own, manage or fix, I can start to regain a sense of peace and calm.
I can only be responsible for me and my reactions. I cannot take on the responsibility of others, their behavior, or their reactions. Embracing that truth brings a great sense of freedom. Letting go and letting God, in whatever form I envision God, returns me to myself. I'm not trying to herd cats or conduct the orchestra while rewriting the score to "make it better." That's not my job. That's not my responsibility. I cannot prevent or protect others from the consequences of their own choices. I cannot be someone else's higher power, nor do I wish to be.
I strive to stay where my feet are, to check in with myself, and to do my best to only manage me. The rest I have to put into the hands of the higher power of my own imagining, and trust that Power will use my love and faith to bring into being what is in my best interest. I also trust that other people's higher powers will do the same for them.
-gws
Be where your feet are.
Take note of the air moving in and out of your lungs.
Be still enough to hear the rhythmic ticking of the clock.
These will tether you when you feel you are on unstable ground.
And love.
Share it. Receive it.
Keep your heart open so you can recognize it.
It will help hope stay afloat.
-gws
Words Wishes and Wisdom 