Thousand

I've told you a thousand times I hate your demands of my body
You've shown me a thousand and one times you don't give a shit 
I've swallowed a thousand silent screams of frustration
I've cried a thousand silent tears of rage
I've counted a thousand agonizing seconds waiting 
For the understanding to etch across your face
That OUR relationship is more than just YOUR needs
But it never manifests
A thousand and one times this exchange plays out
Like ghosts caught in the temporal fly paper of their last moments
I can't even pretend I'm okay anymore
I will not arrange my face into a mask of acceptance
I will, instead, blank my face and retreat into my mind
Counting a thousand heartbeats enduring the unwanted attention
Disguised as affection that is really an affliction upon my person
One would think that a girl who looks like me should be grateful
That a boy who looks like you is so obsessed with a body like mine
I will admit that some part of me is flattered
That my thousand fat cells bear your label: SEXY
But when the package is more valued than the contents
It feels like a thousand Christmases where the kids 
Like the boxes better than the presents I agonized over choosing
I have identified a thousand random shapes in the ceiling paint
I have taken a thousand calming breaths
While screaming a thousand times in my mind 
STOP TOUCHING ME
It is a thousand moments of madness
When I want a thousand and one moments
Seeking my enthusiastic consent
Instead I endure a thousand days
Until the thousand is down to one

-gws